Why doesn’t anyone talk about anxiety?
I read a lot of articles and blogs and journals, etc. etc. and people write about the joys of moving abroad and all the great things that happen and what it means for them… but I tend to not see what sucks about it, or what parts weren’t that great. And I get it, maybe the pro’s outweigh the cons, or maybe like me they just want to keep a brave front to not worry the people at home.
But to think you’ve made such a major move and there not be emotional rollercoasters just isn’t realistic to me. No-one discusses real feelings, or hurt or being homesick.
I get anxiety every single day, am I doing things right? and will I be okay?
I’m a social person and I smile a lot; so it’s not very hard for me to make friends or meet new people. But that’s me working against my anxiety. I get flustered, I get annoyed, I get worried and then I’m okay. And that can happen 10x’s a time or not at all, depending on the day. But with school coming up this week its continual. When that pressure comes on it’s either fold or flourish.
- It Gets Lonely: you’re in a completely new place, starting from scratch at an older age. So not only are you re-building your network, you’re trying to meet people, find friends, hope to get friends who will be like family, and maybe a companion.
- Companionship: (I think this will end up being a post in itself after more experience) Once you’ve overcome the 1st issue and make friends and be social THEN you have to either get the courage to ask someone on a date or to accept one. In my case it sucks because half of the people I meet in Barcelona are studying abroad only for a few months and will leave soon. I’m here for 2 years, so if I am to connect with someone I’d want it to be with someone more rooted here, when at the same time I’m possibly leaving in 2 years so that gets the clock ticking. I’m in this weird limbo of do I just have a fling and not get too close romantically to anyone? or do I want something substantial that can build into something else? Do I want to chance any of it? But I’m 25 the age where I figure it out, and now I need to figure it out abroad.
- Missing the Luxuries of Home: I miss being in the same time-zone as my friends and families. I miss soul food and Caribbean food, and even Chinese food. I miss everything being in English. I miss being within close proximity to my friends. I miss all my stuff. I miss cable. I miss Shonda Thursdays. I miss yellow cabs. I miss tailgating games I never really watch. I miss target.
- I have an impending Fear of failing: I often get stuck in my head of “what am I doing“, “how will I maintain this“, “what if I can’t succeed in school“, “what if I have to go back to America a failure.” I’ve cried most days, not always because of being sad but because of the pressure I’ve put on myself by making this move, and the crazy expectation I hold over myself.
I’m being a bit melodramatic. But all of that aside, I DO love it here.
And all other bloggers aren’t wrong for not writing about these feelings, the good does outweigh the scary, but the scary is real, and just like with any other kind of feeling expressing it is necessary to overcome or embrace it.
But that’s me going off on a psychological tangent. I could go on and on about anxiety or mental health in the world and how undervalued it is, but half of you wouldn’t care. Basically yes doing something different/new is fun and amazing, but it’s also scary and take you out of your comfort zone.
It’s okay to accept that 🙂